Tuesday, June 02, 2009

Completely Confused!

This is my first post from the good old state of Mississippi!!! The state I now call home! Who woulda thunk it!! But, yes, it is true. I now live in the deep south. It's humid and warm and green and plush and chalk full of history. It's long drives of rolling plains and tiny towns in between. It's water towers galore and picturesque courthouses. The after work traffic lasts about 15 minutes and after 7 p.m. the streets are quiet. Scattered thunderstorms are about every 1/4 mile and happen mostly in the summer. It truly is a different place. Yet, somehow I feel at home. I think the added element that my heart is here has something to do with it. Home is truly where your heart is!

Surprisingly, the one hiccup in this state of complete bliss is an inner struggle that has crept up on me. I've never quite been in this situation before and had no idea what to expect, this moving across country. In the deepest part of my heart of hearts, I am completely content and happy and joyful and know I'm exactly where I need to be. But my surface is an emotional wreck. Tears threaten at every turn, without notice and usually without legitimate cause. I hate it. And totally not used to it at all. I'll be the first to tell you how annoying I am. I annoy myself with these emotional outbursts. When will it stop?? Please say soon.

Everything seems topsy turvy here. I am wondering where that strong independent woman who could handle anything set before her has gone. At times I feel like a 5 year old about to throw a pity party or temper tantrum. And I used to be efficient. Now I'm all thumbs and left feet. I even open packages from the wrong end and forget things. Paul has taken to leaving me notes for reminders. I'm starting to wonder how I managed to make it through a day without him. I'm hoping one of these days I'll actually be able to finally at least feed myself and change my own diaper!! LOL. Seriously, that's how I feel!!

See, Completely Confused. why me?? Huh? Huh? huh?...

Maybe I'm trying too hard. I need to relax and just live life, I know. Now that's just preaching to the choir! I guess I'll try harder to not try too hard. HA. Catch 22!!

If you know me at all or have read my blog at all, you know I overthink EVERYTHING. And here I am doing it again. Deep breath. Whew.

Emotions mixed with Imagination is a lethal combination.

Selfish, Petty, Ungrateful. Yep, I'd use those words to describe my silliness too. But give me a chance. Isn't acknowledgment the first step to recovery?? LOL. Fingers Crossed!!

For now, my confused self is gonna pamper herself with a relaxing evening!

Hasta La Vista Baby!
The Queen


Becky said...

I think that your 'condition' is commonly known as pre-wedding jitters, lol.

Planning a wedding and trying to make sure all the details are in place under normal circumstances has caused many a bride-to-be tears. Add to this that you've just made some MAJOR life changes which you probably aren't fully adjusted to just yet...and that would be daunting for anyone I know. You went from basic wedding planning to black-belt event coordinator status by doing all of this planning in a town far from home, the amenities of which you're probably largely unfamiliar with.

Don't worry, girlfriend...it's all going to come together beautifully. Don't sweat the small stuff. I know the bride's tendency is to want everything 100% perfect, but sometimes you just have to let some things go. All the disposable cameras I bought for the reception tables were left in the bridal changing room unused. I was bummed then, but in the long run...it wasn't that big a deal. Plenty of my guests took photos during the reception and gave them to us later.

Being in a whole new region of the country, not having lived away from family before...that whole crying-at-the-drop-of-a-hat thing could be a touch of homesickness, which heightens all your other emotions, but don't fret...it won't last long. In fact, I'm guessing that from the honeymoon on, you'll barely notice those feelings anymore because you'll be your own family unit, settling into your married life and home. Right now, everything is magnified because of all the wedding 'stuff'. Scheduling in some R&R for an evening is probably the best thing you could do for yourself.

Praying everything falls beautifully into place for your special day!

Queen Catherella said...

Thanks Becky!! Great words of advise. And it's always nice to know that there have been others in the same boat that I find myself in....

Things are getting much better and I can't wait til my wedding day!!